Monthly Archive for May, 2007

Too Many Mind?

Published
by
Heimdall
on May 14, 2007
in Thoughts
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In the movie “The Last Samurai”, Nobutada (Shin Koyamada) exclaims “Too many mind!” to Captain Algren (Tom Cruise). Sometimes I feel just like that.

The novelist Ödön von Horváth once said something like “I am actually quite different, but I rarely get down to it”. Sometimes I feel just like that, too.

Too Many Wolfi. My friends often ascribe some characteristic or habit to me as a part of “typical Wolfi”. However their visions of “typical Wolfi” are not necessarily congruent. Apart from some “common denominator”, it seems more like a collection of individually conditioned patterns to me. Conditioned by an interplay of “self” and “other”, of me and my environment (indeed they cannot be successfully separated, even the less in light of the “anatta” or “not-self” principle). I find myself adapting to my environment, switching my viewpoints and “modes of behaviour”, creating new patterns or following previously established ones: Wolfi1, Wolfi2, … Wolfin. (now what is Wolfi0 like?)

Modes of Wolfi. Some of these “modes” are matching “subpersonalities” of others within me, e.g. WolfiAndi (my current internal representation of Andi). This sometimes results in rather beneficial effects (e.g. better understanding). The downside of empathy arises for instance when the “subpersonalities” within me come into conflict with each other (or even with WolfiWolfi, my so-called “self”). How can I resolve such internal conflicts within myself (rather than trying to “solve” other people’s problems externally) without creating an overload? Besides, how can I reliably draw the line between fact and fiction?

Too Many Mind. I recently became aware of this at my birthday celebration. When many people come together, I cannot fit into all the previously established “modes of Wolfi” at the same time. This leads me to some sort of muddle-headed hyperactivity. I start jumping around mentally, verbally and physically. “How typical!”, my friends exclaim and delight in this intensified display of likeable confusion. Too many mind, indeed. :-)

Too Many Blame. However, I had set myself the goal of “maximum integrity”, so that I would address any internal conflict as soon as it arises - if the situation allows for it. Now in the course of this evening, I could not address everything as intended, and I blamed myself for this incapability, becoming more and more tense. I measured myself as if I were solely responsible for the well-being of others. And I blamed myself for not giving everyone an equal share of attention, knowing that I had more or less consciously chosen such an imbalance. Talk about how to not enjoy your own birthday celebration!

Many Kudos. Having said that, let me point out that I had a wonderful and highly enjoyable evening nonetheless. I thank you all for your company and look forward to our next encounter. :-)

The Mosquito Effect

Published
by
Heimdall
on May 14, 2007
in Thoughts
. 0 Comments

Mosquito Drill. In September 2005 I attended a KaraNet party in Klagenfurt, not only along with many other users and dear friends, but also lots of mosquitoes. At one time Thomas decided to simply let the little blood-suckers do their feasting upon his hand, and I took some macro pictures.

A bit later some of us were sitting in the shade of a tree in a circle and philosophised to our heart’s content. When another thirsty mosquito tried to approach me, I slapped it but did not kill it. The creature fell to the ground, obviously hurt and suffering in whichever way a small insect is capable of suffering. My dilemma was enormous: should I kill that innocent living being to alleviate its pain? Or would it survive on its own? Is a mosquito of “lesser worth” than animals we hold dear, like cats or dogs? Are they not equal?

While I was pondering, the bruised mosquito disappeared between the blades of grass; a few minutes later another one sat down on my arm. I thought to myself, ‘this seems well-deserved - now I shall not raise my hand to interfere.’ The mosquito found a good spot and … drilled. It played havoc with my arm. For unknown reasons (maybe my attention was so intensely focused on the procedure, maybe feelings of remorse?) the sharp piercing sensation exceeded even the most intense pains delivered by dentist’s tools. I endured it, groaning, biting my teeth, and my friends probably thought I was crazy…

Fight or Flight. Recently, amidst a very interesting conversation with Thomas, a mosquito sat down right between his eyebrows. He noticed but did not react, and the creature sucked until it was sated enough to drop to the floor. I was quite impressed with his composure. - A bit later I felt a soft stinging on my left shoulder, turned my head and simply registered another mosquito.

Then, within the smallest fragment of a second, I panicked and slapped my shoulder, as though my life were in severe danger! Only a few seconds later I realised that my memories of the “painful experience” from Summer 2005 had just triggered a primal (and quite disproportioned) fight-flight reaction. Indeed not the most convincing display of mindfulness! But next time I shall hopefully intercept the process and carefully examine my delayed reaction. It would be a shame to not overcome this little mosquito trauma. :-)