“How can I get from being ‘my own greatest enemy’ towards ‘my own best friend’?”

I will simply share my own personal experience. Your mileage may vary – it almost certainly does! Yet perhaps you may find one or another detail inspiring for your individual solutions. There is only one way to find out. :-)

The Struggle

Four years ago I was going through a very difficult time, struggling with emotional pain and especially with myself. Today I realize better how deeply stuck I was back then – including that my self-esteem was completely trashed and that I was actually sabotaging myself in very subtle, yet oh so powerful ways. I will spare you the details, because each and every one of us faces their own personal Nemesis from time to time, so the actual content does not matter. Hermann Hesse puts it eloquently in the “Steppenwolf” – “… wie denn jeder Mensch die ihm zufallenden Leiden für die größten hält”. The experience of magnitude of any personal challenge is per definition relative. So what does matter?

• First of all, there is always a way.

(Sounds corny, I know, but it has proved to be true over and over again. And if there was none, what would be the point in trying anyway? But this you never know. See it as your personal variation of Pascal’s wager.)

• Secondly, there is only one person who can find it – and walk it.

(Thinking and talking about it will not do the real trick.)

The Puzzle

But what is the way, and where can you find it? Many possible answers: it’s within you, you are already on it, blah blah. That probably does not do the trick either. But everything is changing, and as far as solutions to challenges are concerned, there is a two-fold change involved: internal and external. They are mirroring each other. The change happens anyway, it cannot be otherwise, so the idea will be to give it some “beneficial” direction. Let’s assume we get ideas for that – pieces for our puzzle.

Here (just as everywhere) a doubt may be lurking around the corner. Can you really do “it”? Do you have what “it” takes? Will you ever learn “it”? Especially when you feel you have “failed” so often?

Two things have helped me there:

1. For a movie scene you do as many “takes” as necessary … until it works.
   (trial -> error -> more trial -> success)
2. Success is often a matter of “strategy” rather than “ability”.
   (choose a strategy that works for you, and you will succeed)

The Strategy

So we need a good strategy, which perhaps means input from external sources. And now we arrive at the vast marketplace of “good advice”, collected wisdom, mentors and friends, coaches and therapists, books and blogs, you name it. I was seeking answers in all those areas. My result:

1. None of them helped.
2. All of them contributed.

It’s much less of a contradiction as it seems. Even the best input does not walk you along the way. You walk, at your own pace. You’re not even “too slow” – seriously, who could judge that, and by what measure? (I spent a lot of energy on this one.)

You choose what you try, and you find out what works for you, and how it works for you – it will be a combination of many things. This is how everything contributes. Indeed it cannot be otherwise. Again, everything is changing, and we are already alive, so all it takes is to keep our senses open. Be an explorer if you like, or an adventurer, traveller, conquistador, a curious child. You are allowed to enjoy the ride!

What actually worked (and still works) for me?

I will go into detail next time. Just one main ingredient for now: juggling. And that’s where the title of this post comes from. :-)

Post Scriptum

It took me four years to write this post, and judging from today’s perspective, every single day was worth waiting. Thus I might wait another four years, but then it may never see the light of day; or I give birth to it now and review it in four years. May the latter choice prove better. And may you be happy at heart. :-)

Hold Fast Your Dreams

Hold fast your dreams!
Within your heart
Keep one still, secret spot
Where dreams may go,
And sheltered so
May thrive and grow -
Where doubt and fear are not.
O, keep a place apart,
Within your heart,
For little dreams to go!

Think still of lovely things that are not true.
Let wish and magic work at will in you.
Be sometimes blind to sorrow. Make believe!
Forget the calm that lies
In disillusioned eyes.
Though we all know that we must die,
Yet you and I
May walk like gods and be
Even now at home in immortality.

We see so many ugly things -
Deceits and wrongs and quarrellings;
We know, alas! We know
How quickly fade
The colour in the west,
The bloom upon the flower,
The bloom upon the breast
And youth’s blind hour.
Yet keep within your heart
A place apart
Where little dreams may go,
May thrive and grow.
Hold fast – hold fast your dreams!

I’ll take these words to my heart. Will you? :-)

One such being was Boykie, a cat with black fur and soothing radiance. When Boykie passed away in the dignified age of 17 years, I felt compelled to compose a poem, thus paying well-deserved homage to him, as well as to those who loved him as a family member. I feel honoured to know him and the beneficial impact that his presence had among the family and living beings around him.

Black like a panther gleamed his fur,
of amber were his eyes:
a feline beauty, soft his purr -
an angel in disguise.

In graceful steps he strode along
and spread upon the throne,
to snooze and fill the air with song
while sun upon him shone.

With radiance comely and serene
he filled our hearts with peace,
caressed our souls with love and sheen,
set troubled minds at ease.

Our guardian, bequeath the flame -
your earthly quest is done;
A star has risen, bears your name:
you are compare to none.

Farewell! And may you ever shine
upon our night and day!
In loving memories through time
immortal you will stay.

At some stages of my life I have been graciously kissed by the Muses. Occasionally they come to me in the form of human beings, like five years ago, leading me to the composition of words like these:

“From a font the well springs, meanders through rough rock and smooth stone, grows into a small streamlet, gracefully flows downhill and swells from river to stream, until it fills the large valleys and unites all water into one vast and mighty sea. Never before have I felt such a delightful flow of things, nor any other delight, as now in your company and by virtue of your existence.”

I hope you enjoy this flowery style as much as I do; if it does not inspire you at all, bear with me! For I intend to share more of my prose and lyric in the times to come. I seek to nurture and develop my writing skills. Your feedback will always be warmly appreciated. :-)

(Thanks to Dusk for the inspiration!)

Spiders. On one evening I was watching an episode of Futurama in my room while leaning back against the wall. From the corner of my eye I perceived something crawling right next to me. I looked … and turned pale. It was a giant house spider with 7 cm diameter. Talk about arachnophobia! I managed to capture the beast with tupperware and a CD slimcase, and released it in the garden. But another beast was sitting in a ceiling corner which I could not reach easily. So I decided to stay awake with watchful eyes. At 4 am I eventually risked my life and went to sleep, but not before pulling the bed away from the wall.

I was miraculously spared by the monster, and decided to conquer my fear by closely watching those spiders at the next 10 or so encounters. That helped a lot – my fear of the large ones has only slightly decreased, but I now feel a lot more comfortable around the smaller species!

Nightwish. I composed the mother of all poems (in a more-or-less sonnet style) for my girlfriend’s birthday. It contained several references to Nightwish song titles, and I decided to enhance it by getting Nightwish signatures on it. For that purpose I went to Bern where a signing session was taking place, and met two nice guys in the queue. The new singer Anette was very friendly, while composer Tuomas seemed a little bored with the whole procedure. In the end my mission was successful. Yay! I then celebrated my girlfriend’s and her sister’s birthday with them in Innsbruck.

Farewell. Almost everyone around me had already left: Albert, the Icelanders, Mykhailo, Fabian, Felix, Hiro, Silke, … and now, in the end of September, it was my own time to say farewell. Working with Gregor, Armin and Luc was really great, as were our conversations during coffee breaks, and the time I spent with Gregor (car lifts, tennis, drinks, …). I will certainly miss them!

Inspiration. On the journey back home I stayed in Innsbruck for a few days. There I visited Prof. Kuhn at his institute, which turned out to be a very inspiring meeting, adding further to my vision of the future. I also remember him speaking remarkable words about his marriage: how he and his wife, having met already at a young age, developed alongside each other. That sounds very elegant and romantic to me. In times of trends of developing in adverse directions, I am glad to know such examples!

And now I am back in Graz, striving to organise myself (getting things done :-)), closing the bottlenecks and pursuing my studies, so that in a few months I can start my master thesis. It’s just about time!

Parties. One major thing for “Summies” besides work and sports is … the parties. I must admit that I felt a bit old, but it was fun nonetheless. Every organizing country tried to do something typical, from decoration and games to food and drinks. The great spirit was particularly reflected by the “Israeli-Palestinian party”. We enjoyed Irish coffee, Guinness beer and a Viking invasion at the “Celtic party”. And lots more.

On another occasion, the Dutch party, I decided to return to Thoiry by bus, just to get my orange shirt with a physicist’s joke on it. I had almost no time for the way from the bus station uphill to the house and back down. I guess I ran like a world champion, made it only by a few seconds – and I bet nobody actually noticed the joke. ;-)

Bottlenecks. In August I went to the wonderful wedding of Slavi and Marija in Vienna. In order to get there, I traveled to Innsbruck with Gregor and spent the evening with Lara (my girlfriend’s sister). We had a great time and delicious dinner at an Indian restaurant. During our conversation she responded to one of my lengthy self-reflections with words that would have a great impact further on: “It’s difficult to be honest when you are constantly countering yourself.” – Goosebumps, internal resistance: sure-fire indicators that she had hit a nerve. Doubting my own evaluations has indeed been a major (even tightening) bottleneck for years. Internal integrity becomes difficult under such a habit. Sometimes the keys appear in unlikely places!

The Wedding. I met with my mom and brother in Vienna for lunch, got dressed and went to the wedding church. On the way I met Achim, and so we were both equally late Рor just in time! In the church we witnessed a beautiful orthodox ceremony while an artist was painting icons on the back walls of the church. When I congratulated Slavi, I was so moved I could not speak a word! Then we went to Kursalon Bad V̦slau where the wedding celebration was taking place. A wonderful location, more than 150 guests, and food to die for! The young generation at our table grew particularly fond of the Slivovitz bottles. I resisted them more or less successfully.

Adventures. The porter was everything but elated about my check-in at 4 o’clock in the morning, but I eventually managed to “resolve the tension” when I checked out. The adventure continued on the return journey. I went back to Switzerland with Slavi and Marija, and even though they were quite exhausted from a week-long preparation and almost sleepless night, Slavi decided to travel in one piece. We left Vienna at 6 pm and arrived in Lyss at 4 am. In other to enhance our safety, I burned a CD with catchy metal tunes that would encourage us to recall anecdotes and sing along. I managed to stay awake during almost the entire journey, and my heart lit up when one particular song helped me recall an enormous bunch of memories – with long-lost missing links, so to speak!

After three hours of sleep on their incredibly comfortable guest bed I finished my journey back to CERN and continued programming some JavaScript for a monitoring website. Had I known beforehand what I would end up doing, I could have saved a lot of time and energy … a programming physicist’s curse? :-)

Let’s turn chronology upside down for a moment. I have safely returned to Graz in the beginning of October. On the journey from Geneva to Graz I stayed in Innsbruck for some days. This is because my girlfriend is now working in Tyrol and living in Innsbruck with her sister. She dared to jump into the cold water, applied for an open position in July, and was immediately accepted. I am so proud of her!

Since this posting is entitled “CERN Diary”, let us return to the chronological style …

Sports. Besides drawing A0 format state diagrams for Eowyn and T0MS, I was also elected team captain for the “Austria+Germany” team in the Summer Student Soccer Championship in July 2007. But our team was rather multinational – Irish, Japanese, and eventually Portuguese players joined forces with the German-speaking folk. We defeated both Italy and Commonwealth 4-3 and then lost the semi-final against Gli Stronzi (an all-star team with Brazilians and what not) 1-2.

Rafting. One of the most outstanding experiences was the rafting trip with a dozen “Summies” on the Dranse river. After changing into our neoprene suits (heavy metal style! :-)) we learned the most important commands from our boat guide. Then we had the chance to jump into the wild waters from a 5-7m cliff. I am a little scared of heights, but I thought I’d like to see it from above. When I arrived there, I thought more seriously about jumping – and so stimulated my fear. Knowing that “there is just fear rising and passing” was not enough to calm down. Then eventually I stood at the 5m edge, said to myself “this is crazy” … and jumped. The cold air, the rushing waters … coming back to the surface, I felt incredibly relieved! What an experience.

The rafting itself was quite exciting. Never really dangerous, however the other boat capsized at some stage. Afterwards some of us went to the Geneva beach and swam in the freezing lake.

Squats. On that evening I went around in Geneva with Fabian (one of the German “Summies”), and we saw a “protest” doom metal concert on the street – people protesting about the seizure of a famous squat, and a lot of police making sure that no traffic was coming through from the one side & no squatters from the other side (reconquering the building). Most squats are quite well accepted and popular in Geneva, like autonomous areas with bars and social institutions and what not. But sometimes the building owners have all squatters kicked out by the police, renovate the building and raise the rents.

We then watched a mind-boggling movie called “Waking Life” at Fabian’s place. On the next day we had some insightful conversations while listening to readings by the Dalai Lama. And life was very interesting!

Journey and Arrival: After a short sit-in with Berni, Thomas, Jakob and Volker, I mount the night train on Thursday (June 28). There I share interesting conversations with a girl named Sina, but no solemn slumber due to all the rumbling and squeaking of the train. The last quarter of the trip from Zurich to Geneva offers a wonderful view. Mario picks me up at the station, brings me to CERN and introduces me to lots of people. Everyone is very friendly, easy-going and humorous. Half of the globe is present here, which creates an incredible atmosphere! I already receive a wonderful letter from Natalie which almost moves me to tears of joy. Then we descend into the depths to see the massive ATLAS detector under construction. I find it amazing that such a thing can even be planned, let alone built with such high precision!

First Weekend: On Friday evening we (Mario and I) visit a small Jazz Festival in Crozet, where I practice some French for the first time in 10 years. On Saturday we make a trip to Geneva (absolutely gorgeous in Summer!), where we meet with the newly-wed Slavi and Marija and his best man Holger to spend a lovely day together. We explore the massive fountain, several parks and the inner city.

Thoiry: My lodging is a house in Thoiry on the slopes of the Jura Mountains, which offers a splendid view towards CERN and Geneva; in good weather conditions, even Mont Blanc is visible in the distance. My friendly housemates are Kevin (Canada), Olivier (France) and Giulio (Italy). Occasionally some nice Italians occupy the guest rooms for a few days. My room suffers from a loudly squeaking bed and chronic lack of power plugs. ;-)

First Week: My first day is filled with bureaucratic adventures. Luc, my Belgian supervisor, is quite relaxed, even as it becomes apparent that I have but the faintest of clues about my upcoming tasks so far… amidst databases and as of yet unfamiliar program structures, I cannot see the wood for the trees. Later I discover that other “Summies” (Summer Students) share quite similar experiences. Fortunately I am not the only moron around here! :-)

My main interest focuses on Eowyn – no, not a female student from Rohan, but the well-formed name of a program -, and I slowly begin to understand its structure in order to draw an up-to-date state diagram. I am working in the very building where the WWW was born once upon a time, sharing the office with Armin and Gregor (both from Austria) who are very helpful.

Wednesday, July 4: A very special day. My first lectures in the “amphitheatre”, and first contact with a record-breaking number of “Summies” (2/3 males, 1/3 females). Later we are invited for a “welcome drink”, for the first time without alcohol this year, but nonetheless ideal for getting to know each other.

In the evening the Americans throw a party in the nearby hostel to celebrate their patriotic anniversary. Half of the globe gathers there and gets drunk to variable extents. I meet people from Austria, Germany, Hungary, Czech Republic, Denmark, Netherlands, Belgium, Sweden, Iceland, France, Spain, Italy, Greece, Malta, UK, US, Israel, Lithuania, Ukraine, Russia, Turkey, India, Japan, China, Vietnam, Mexico, Argentina, … more countries than ever before – within just a few hours!

One of the Japanese guys is named Hiro, which makes him quite popular. He has never heard about Hiro Nakamura before coming to CERN though. ;-)

Lake Parade: On Saturday (July 7) Mario, SomAnca (Maria and Hannes, who have come from Austria for a visit) and I visit Geneva again. A dream of a day! In the afternoon we stumble upon the “Lake Parade” along Lake Geneva. Masses of strange people, pimped trucks with posing DJs, males (showing off their abdominals) and females (swinging their hips and more), and lots of gruesome music: “People people people!” (oomptz-oomptz-oomptz) … “Move your bodies!” (zonk-onk-onk-onk drrrumptz) … What a crazy spectacle!

Second Week: The lectures (each day from 09:15-12:30) are becoming more interesting. During a fascinating visit at the antimatter experiments we learn about the difficult production of anti-hydrogen (featuring decelerators) or helium atoms with an anti-proton replacing one of the electrons (amazing, yet highly instable), and the highly unrealistic aspects in a soon-to-be-filmed bestseller by Dan Brown. The students delight in a Toga party and a French party.

Third Week: I participate in two poker evenings and a chess evening, and visit the “Hardronic Festival” with Gregor. One band, dressed in amazing retro outfits (leggings, fishnet tops, subtle makeup, hairstyle, …) plays lots of 80′s metal classics, but the sound is far from excellent. The last band proves that even Metallica songs can sound great with a female voice. – I eventually finish the Eowyn state diagram and stick the printed pieces to the office wall … in A0 format. :-)

Next week will feature lots of sports (Summer student soccer championship, tennis, running etc.), more lectures on the Standard Model and cosmology, and most probably the beginning of some serious programming. I’ll keep you posted!

Methinks he’s got a point. While I am still on the opposite end of rhetoric habits, I will now try to tell you just the gist_Wolfi of what has been going on in my recent weeks:

London. I spent another five wonderful days in London with my beloved girlfriend. This time the weather was more typical (lots of rain), so we visited some exhibitions and museums. The highlight was a louder-than-expected noise that I made in the National Gallery – now is that where the term “arty-farty” comes from? ;-)

Reunion. Upon returning back to Graz, I went to the 10-year-reunion of my former classmates. Both to and from the venue I lost my path while riding my new bicycle. What to do after such an outburst of scatterbrained confusion?

Puregg. The perfect remedy: a Vipassana retreat with Hannes Huber in Puregg! This time I shared 7 days of silence, yoga and meditation with Pepi, Hannes and 9 fellow meditators. Later I will describe this wonderful experience in more detail. For the time being, I invite you to read my entries from last year’s retreat: [1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6].

CERN. In Summer 2007 I will spend three months in France/Switzerland to work at CERN (programming in Python). Hooray! In a few days I’ll be on the train to Geneva. Extensive reports are about to follow here. :-)

Miscellaneous. I came in 2nd at a recent KaraNet photo contest – yay! And my father has just become the first and only Austrian “Master of Homeopathy”. And I love my new MacBook which will be very useful in Summer. And a dear friend of mine is getting married soon. And … I am blathering too much. Good night! :-)

The highly professional 2DVD set is packed with bonus material (218 mins on DVD #2) and provides a lot of value for money. We received some great reviews saying that they’d wish for many Hollywood productions to include so much interesting material (and such a good 5.1 surround sound mix)!

The soundtrack CD comes in a nice vinyl look and contains 79:35 mins of some modern tracks and the wonderful classical score from our Swiss composer Matthias Erb (performed by singers, orchestra and choir).

Watching the extensive DVD bonus material brought lots of memories back to my mind – a time of adventure, madness, challenges, surprises, teamwork, progress and achievement. Sometimes combined with ecstatic joy, sometimes with tension … overall an invaluable experience!

If you want to support our work (and help us clear our debts :-)), you can buy the DVD and CD in many Austrian stores, order through our homepage, or get it directly from the crew (the cheapest option). My humble advice: do it today! :-)