A couple of days ago, when the idea of creating some kind of web diary started to ripen in my ever-occupied mind, I had the most vivid imaginations and brilliant visions: inspiring it would be, challenging, fascinating, an exciting and enriching experience for both the writer (me) and the reader (you). Dozens of pages took shape within my fantasies, unburdened by the task at hand itself, and I could hardly wait to transform this vast complex of thoughts into written words.
Now as I am writing, however, a quite familiar kind of confusion takes control. Only a few keystrokes ahead lies the connection between creation (my part) and perception (your part) which will encourage wonderful things: sharing of thoughts, mutual feedback, and further development. The invisible obstacle that overshadows this moment is simply … fear. Fear of failure, encouraged by self-doubt, rooted deeply within my self. But – lo! – not invisible any longer.
Less than 24 hours ago I was speaking with Hope, one of my dearest friends. As always we were having an inspiring conversation with many insights and discoveries about ourselves, love, life, and the universe. And somehow, as I was explaining my perceptions and theories to him (related to considerations about self-doubts, skillfulness and more), I became aware of the familiar proverbial mirror in front of me. In a context which I cannot remember in detail any longer, I suddenly visualised the process of self-doubt attaching itself to my own intentions, where it created a very simple (yet powerful) deadlock. A process which is constantly taking place within me.
Seeing this deadlock right from the perspective of self-analysis was a very intense and demanding experience. It felt as though this very self-doubt, now unveiled before my watchful eyes, would try to fight desperately for its own survival. If it managed to attach itself to the watcher and thus corrupt his faith, it would probably retain its shadowy cloak and prevail. Thus I focused hard on it, not letting go, and at the same time I tried to listen to Hope’s words which gave me an indirect clue of how to handle this weird situation.
(Dear Hope, maybe you were unaware of the great value and impact which your words had on me at this moment, but I can assure you that you are just naturally gifted with wisdom!)
The previous year has changed and shaped my perspective on literally everything, and I have realized the necessity of many changes from more than just one point of view. However, all these approaches have one thing in common: even though they are theoretically sufficient for the desired changes, I practically allow my self-doubts (and/or its companion, the fear of failure) to destroy their potential. And the longer this cycle repeats, the more I contribute to my own suffering …
So the question arises: how can I release myself from these self-made chains? With the usurper (self-doubt) being unmasked, one more crucial step is required. Quite literally! It is a very simple step forward. Followed by another. And ultimately, one by one, a unison of theory and practice, mind and body will lead to constant improvement and growing skillfulness. – Trivial? Indeed, and wonderful too! All those months, already knowing about the existence and severe effects of my fears, I have not yet understood the simple but effective remedy. Knowing and understanding are two quite different aspects.
Having written more than enough (task fulfilled!), it is now time for some more steps.
My heartfelt thanks go to Hope as well as my beloved angel Natalie, my friends Mario and Dani, and many others. Actually no one shall be excluded, for the world would not be the same if any of you were not here: family, friends, mankind, animals, nature, all living beings, mother earth, the entire physical universe, thought, spirit, and beyond …
… quod erat demonstrandum. :-)
Thank you for reading, and have a good night!