This morning I’ve had a stunning non-verbal thought experience. Clear like water, very simple, and intense like a blast. Unfortunately my verbal description appears to me like a terribly flawed approximation, but I will give it a shot. Let’s start with the rather simple part:

The game of life that we (humans) are currently playing can be seen as a game of – and “played” by – atoms, quarks and beyond. Viewed as such, our experience is therefore obviously
(1) not-self (anatta),
(2) impermanent (anicca) in the sense of ever-changing, and
(3) stressful (dukkha) in the way as we currently play it.

Buddhist principles derived from game theory? Unfortunately I know very little about the latter. Maybe the related terms should be paraphrased differently, but I will keep using them for now.

I suppose that the third conclusion is least obvious, as it probably requires a glimpse of knowledge about dukkha, which is not everyone’s cup of tea. I have also included the assumption that consciousness is part of the universe and its laws. Our universe along with its laws could be regarded as “higher-level” player.

So far, so simple. Now it becomes complicated. :-)

After this initial thought I reflected upon the benefits of Gotama Siddhattha’s teachings, which somehow involve centering yourself in the here-and-now (“easily” observable through direct experience). Then I wondered whether such a path is ultimately leading your consciousness one level (like a “dynamic” or an abstraction level) upwards? Maybe, if enough human beings perform this task, they will “pull” the rest with them as the critical mass is reached? (this seems difficult to explain, as it was more like a “structural vision”)

I suppose we cannot yet speculate about similar tasks for other species and whether they will accomplish them as well (or have already done so, probably with a different set of rules?!), since we (humans as a “unified player” with “unified consciousness”) have not yet been able to “stand there on top and look around in all directions”. Nor can we speculate about what comes next (structurally something similar on higher levels, I suppose). But with this “pulling effect” arising from those “enlightened” ones who have reached the top, cooperation (involving active and passive teaching) would be a property of the game. The goal of any individual player might thus coincide with the goal of the unified player! And maybe this vast “journey upwards” is what the game of life is all about. :-)

I would not be surprised if these speculations contain numerous flaws. But I have no doubts about the intense non-verbal insight itself that gave rise to them. Maybe with growing experience I can create more fruitful and compatible conclusions.

I have no idea whether all of this makes any sense to anyone of you, but obviously I could not resist sharing my thoughts. As usual. :-)

Are you prepared for something odd? :-)

One year ago, I was experiencing a series of insights and cognitions, gradually increasing in both density and intensity. This experience eventually reached its culmination in the early morning hours of May 23rd, 2005. After the shooting of the “party scene” for “Jenseits”, I spent an inspiring night in the company of two dear friends. It was so overwhelming that I noticed how my mental capacities became positively exhausted. I made a remark about how useful the ability to expand one’s mental capacities might be. I really had no idea… yet.

Upon returning home, I suddenly felt compelled by my inner voice to sit down on my bed and to simply “let things happen”. The majestic wave appeared without warning: profound and relentless it came crashing down right over me, yet it caused no damage – washing away time and space. Although it was dark, I noticed a light around me. Although it was cold, I felt warmth on my skin. With closed eyes I could perceive the previously unknown, an experience for which there are no words. My whole body was trembling with awe. The doors of perception were opened, and I found myself wide awake for the first time.

It was literally a wake-up call: the first of its kind, followed by many others right up to the present, which I heeded but partially. Fear, doubt and confusion delayed my progress for almost a year. Now the year draws to a close, and I notice an increasing density and intensity of insights once again. And what now? – I have already made my experiences about how not to heed the call, about how not to follow the path. And I have seen glimpses about what happens if I do. A glimpse is not enough; it is nothing to be merely talked about either.

Ooops, I did it again. Enough words now! :-)

The books I have received recently (birthday gifts and Amazon orders) contain far more than 5000 pages. How many seasons will it take me to read them all? Some “older” items on my ever-growing planned reading list are not even included yet (Tolkien, Eco, …). And then there are lots of math & physics scripts, too.

In order to satisfy my curiosity, I have started reading about a topic called “General Semantics”. The first book on my list, “Language in Thought and Action” by S.I. Hayakawa (late US senator), provides a very good introduction as it combines some of Alfred Korzybski’s theories with aspects of everyday communication, society, politics, media, advertisement, etc. So far it does not increase the complexity of thoughts (as I had previously suspected), but rather the awareness of language, thoughts and abstraction processes. Thus I can highly recommend this book.

My next books on the subject are “Drive Yourself Sane” by Susan & Bruce Kodish (a simplified and application-based approach towards General Semantics) and “Science and Sanity” by Alfred Korzybski. The former book is much thinner and less “scientific” than the latter 900-pages volume. I guess that with this combination I am well equipped for the upcoming summer. :-)

And then there are books like “Gödel, Escher, Bach” by Douglas R. Hofstadter (824 pages, considered a “life-changing must-read” by many people), “The Elegant Universe” by Brian Greene (448 pages, probably a very useful and entertaining complement for my ongoing String Theory lecture), “The Holographic Universe” by L. Susskind & J. Lindesay (200 pages, a lot of black hole physics, information, entropy, and the “Holographic Principle”… sounds very intriguing!), “The Road to Reality” by Roger Penrose (1136 pages, explaining the whole world with a mixture of prosa and formulae in this “Complete Guide to the Laws of the Universe”), “The Zahir” by Paulo Coelho (350 pages), “The Abhorsen Trilogy” by Garth Nix (1700 pages, a fantasy epic recommended to me by Mario), some scientific cooking books to pose with my knowledge about chemical and physical processes in the kitchen (just kidding!), and many more …

I suppose I shall not buy any new books until the year 2010. :-)

I currently don’t even find time for blog entries, when there is so much to write! But there is always enough time for the ancient wisdom of mystics – this one is attributed to Meister Eckhart (my translation):

A sage was once asked: “Which is the most important hour that one experiences, who is the most meaningful person one encounters, and what is the most necessary deed?”
The sage answered: “The most important hour is always the present, the most meaningful person is always the one you are facing, and the most necessary deed is always love.”

A week ago, my great uncle celebrated his 80th birthday. He still looks like 60 and lives almost like a 20-year-old. A rare phenomenon – and he even used to smoke like a chimney! Maybe his constant laughter and cheerfulness is what keeps him so young and healthy.

As for myself – turning 27 in eight days -, just today my age has been estimated as something between 30 and 40 years by some very young kids. I tried to shrug it off with a smile and put the blame on their not-yet-fully-developed discernment skills.

Sometimes I feel very old, and sometimes I feel very young. In the last two years the old-age-feeling dominated. Now it’s just about time for a rejuvenating cure! – Today I feel rather like some strange animal … let’s see how this develops.

Here come the highlights from the last few days: On Sunday Hope and I visited my brother and his girlfriend in their lovely new flat. We spent a wonderful and very inspiring evening with drinks, dinner (cooked by my brother), games and long philosophical discussions.

On Monday evening I overcame a temptation and felt that life was good. Later I made some slices of bread for dinner – with focus and full attention (which was really quite difficult to maintain until the end). Mario, who once again knew it all, drew me an apple.

On Tuesday I tried to memorize one of Shakespeare’s love sonnets as a surprise for my girlfriend. During the evening I lost more and more of it, and was slightly frustrated when I went to bed. But when I woke up in the morning, everything was there again.

A simple phone call on Wednesday totally dispelled my inner peace, and I was mainly frustrated about letting minor things so intensely take hold of me. My stomach reacted likewise with irritation during the night. My discomposure was of course quite unnecessary.

On Thursday I listenend to an old man’s very interesting war- and post-war-experiences. I think that for us (the younger generations) their (the older people’s) perspectives can be quite valuable, especially when you see how some things change and others don’t.

Today I am wasting enormous amounts of time and energy in front of the computer, and occasionally try to focus – in vain. It feels as though this week is passing far too quickly!

While contemplating and reflecting on yesterday’s long entry, some things have become apparent to me:

1. my thoughts are quite unfocused, and
2. my writing is slightly complicated, with the result that
3. the point is probably difficult to see.

Being unfocused and/or confused (almost an anagram!) is one of my characteristics. Everything is interesting, grabs my attention, holds a part of my mind on a leash, and I find it difficult to let go. I am not even consciously aware of most of these influences! And thus my mind is governed by things related to the past, things related to the future, things not related to the present moment. No wonder that my chain of thoughts, conceived in the present, appears to be slightly chaotic and difficult to follow. No wonder that when I concentrate the few free resources of my mind on a task, my multitasking abilities approach zero, and still I am far away from really focusing.

The few times in which I managed to become consciously aware of those “leashes” and actually releasing or cutting them were truly outstanding experiences. I am not accustomed to handle the full potential of my mind, to think with direction, to speak and write with precision. These goals will require my constant practice and training. But even the very experience of such awareness is worthwhile: enhanced perception, oneness with the present moment, oneness with the world around me, and the freedom of choice.

Maybe your question still remains unanswered: “What’s the point?”

Very simple: exchange of experiences, sharing of thoughts, mutual feedback, constant evaluation, and steady improvement. Information wants to be free. Communication is one key. Encountering a new (sometimes very simple) perspective on something that seemed already “known” to me would sometimes grant me insights that sweep me off my feet. Now, after all that I have received, I also wish to give.

Dearest reader, I do not claim the ability to sweep you off your feet, and certainly would never intend to do so against your will. But if my writings contain something that helps you on your own path in the slightest possible way, they have already fulfilled their purpose.

However, our communication shall not remain one-sided: I must also learn to improve my listening capabilities. Listening is a multi-faceted key of communication, and it is worthwhile to discover all aspects. For beginners like me, listening is a lot easier while remaining silent. Therefore I will shut up now and end with a beautiful quote that is attributed to Albert Einstein:

A couple of days ago, when the idea of creating some kind of web diary started to ripen in my ever-occupied mind, I had the most vivid imaginations and brilliant visions: inspiring it would be, challenging, fascinating, an exciting and enriching experience for both the writer (me) and the reader (you). Dozens of pages took shape within my fantasies, unburdened by the task at hand itself, and I could hardly wait to transform this vast complex of thoughts into written words.

Now as I am writing, however, a quite familiar kind of confusion takes control. Only a few keystrokes ahead lies the connection between creation (my part) and perception (your part) which will encourage wonderful things: sharing of thoughts, mutual feedback, and further development. The invisible obstacle that overshadows this moment is simply … fear. Fear of failure, encouraged by self-doubt, rooted deeply within my self. But – lo! – not invisible any longer.

Less than 24 hours ago I was speaking with Hope, one of my dearest friends. As always we were having an inspiring conversation with many insights and discoveries about ourselves, love, life, and the universe. And somehow, as I was explaining my perceptions and theories to him (related to considerations about self-doubts, skillfulness and more), I became aware of the familiar proverbial mirror in front of me. In a context which I cannot remember in detail any longer, I suddenly visualised the process of self-doubt attaching itself to my own intentions, where it created a very simple (yet powerful) deadlock. A process which is constantly taking place within me.

Seeing this deadlock right from the perspective of self-analysis was a very intense and demanding experience. It felt as though this very self-doubt, now unveiled before my watchful eyes, would try to fight desperately for its own survival. If it managed to attach itself to the watcher and thus corrupt his faith, it would probably retain its shadowy cloak and prevail. Thus I focused hard on it, not letting go, and at the same time I tried to listen to Hope’s words which gave me an indirect clue of how to handle this weird situation.
(Dear Hope, maybe you were unaware of the great value and impact which your words had on me at this moment, but I can assure you that you are just naturally gifted with wisdom!)

The previous year has changed and shaped my perspective on literally everything, and I have realized the necessity of many changes from more than just one point of view. However, all these approaches have one thing in common: even though they are theoretically sufficient for the desired changes, I practically allow my self-doubts (and/or its companion, the fear of failure) to destroy their potential. And the longer this cycle repeats, the more I contribute to my own suffering …

So the question arises: how can I release myself from these self-made chains? With the usurper (self-doubt) being unmasked, one more crucial step is required. Quite literally! It is a very simple step forward. Followed by another. And ultimately, one by one, a unison of theory and practice, mind and body will lead to constant improvement and growing skillfulness. – Trivial? Indeed, and wonderful too! All those months, already knowing about the existence and severe effects of my fears, I have not yet understood the simple but effective remedy. Knowing and understanding are two quite different aspects.

Having written more than enough (task fulfilled!), it is now time for some more steps.

My heartfelt thanks go to Hope as well as my beloved angel Natalie, my friends Mario and Dani, and many others. Actually no one shall be excluded, for the world would not be the same if any of you were not here: family, friends, mankind, animals, nature, all living beings, mother earth, the entire physical universe, thought, spirit, and beyond …

… quod erat demonstrandum. :-)

Thank you for reading, and have a good night!